~Guzophela & ~nijireiki

Asuma = totally banging Kurenai.
Naruto = relatively straight.
BUT!
He's petite, and sufficiently emo to be shounen-ai rape fantasy fodder.
That's why Sasuke, as I've said, does some GAY SHIT when Naruto gets knocked out.
Which is fairly often.
Sasuke and Itachi also pursue each other relentlessly.....
pretty gay.
Also, total familial slaughter and annihilation of a village? Gay.
Sephiroth did that.
And he wears a DRESS.
And has flowing hair.
And Itachi paints his TOENAILS.
PURPLE.
Or blue, or whatever.
Gai = gayest man in Naruto. Musical gay.
Rock Lee = mini Gai, and may or may not be oblivious to the fact that Gai is ULTRAGAY.
Shikamaru = SEEMS straight at first, but that's just cuz he's an UNDERACHIEVER.
He DID say he wants to live a life of mediocrity with a relatively plain wife and have grandchildren and outlive his wife to play Go with the other oldies...
And also said he likes stacked girls.
But he said it to Chouji.
WHO IS THE ONLY PERSON WHO GETS HIM OFF HIS LAZY ASS, OR TO BE EMOTIONAL AT ALL.
Chouji = Clearly has the hots for Shikamaru. Has NEVER hit on or mentioned dating or wanting to date or HAVING A CRUSH ON a girl.
Kakashi = ambiguous sexuality. But KakashiIruka is a cute pairing, and there really aren't any eligible women. Except Tsunade.
.....Who's OLD.
Jiraya = resident Uncle Iro (Avatar). STRAIGHT.
Neji = MONOLOGUING ABOUT YOUR ANGSTY BIRD LIFE IS GAY.
Shino = doesn't talk. Clearly in the closet. The boy collects bugs, and he's on the team with Hinata, the recently well-endowed (having seen the new character designs).
Kiba = probably 2nd straightest main character in Naruto. He teaches his dog spinning pee attacks, which is sufficiently masculine and nauseating (the same as reusing underwear with poop smears and crushing beer cans on your head and ignoring pit stains in your clothes and having a hairy back) that I am *surez* he's straight.
And he did that one thing with that tender moment with Hinata.
Who should totally give up on Naruto, grow a spine, and stop SUCKING.
Gaara = whining about your past angstiness is pretty much a staple for homoerotic fanfiction... BUT Gaara is more of a sociopathic homicidal maniac MURDERER than a dating type of guy.
Kankuro on the other hand = Face. Makeup.
Kankuro = Cat ear hat.
Kankuro = PUPPET/DOLL.
Haku & Zabuza = out, gay, and dead.
Konohamaru = whiny punk. He deserves to DIE.
Orochimaru = UNDEAD SNAKE TONGUE MAN. POSSESSES THE BODIES OF THE YOUNG POWERFUL AND BEAUTIFUL. GAYYYYY.
Kabuto = idolizes and follows around COBRA COMMANDER. Glasses. May or may not be gay; watch and see if he has some kind of sneaky sneaky hidden plot.
Ebisu = IN THE CLOSET.
And clearly a pedophile.
Tazumo = SUPER straight. XDD
Sai = belly shirt and the penis obsession. Pretty gay.
Kimimaru = zigzag part and eye makeup. Does the BIDDING of SNAKEMAN, MASTER OF THE UNIVERSE.
Girls = Nearly all of them have expressed interest in male company. So I guess they can all be straight.
Except maybe Tsunade's apprentice, I got a little hero-worship slight lesbian vibe from her.
Kind of like that one girl in Azumanga Daioh.
But all the other girls with names are kind of totally straight and at the very least romantically mildly interested in someone.
Oh! And Anko seemed a little bit lesbian at first because she's a little bit mannish in behavior.
More so than anyone else. But, no.

Okay, so just so everyone knows, we’re TOTALLY DOWN with gay people.

WE'RE MAKING FUN OF STEREOTYPES AND THE RANDOM HOMOSEXUALIZATION OF 12-YEAR-OLD NINJAS IN AN ANIMATED SHOW/COMIC VIA FANFICTION.
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Clubs, Friends, etc.